My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Come share oat with me in your robe
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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