I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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