I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
