I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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