Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize