Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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