ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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