I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
