it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
