Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
