We got so high we made milksteak
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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