so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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