Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
COCAINE IS GR8
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
