he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
