i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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