there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize