I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
