Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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