I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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