he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
