dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
