We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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