if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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