i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
