so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
