We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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