to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
