Just fell off a train. Bad.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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