I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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