I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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