Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
