So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
