I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
