I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
