I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize