I look better un-naked...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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