My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
