I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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