I smell stomach acid.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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