I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
This is my gift to your gina
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
