It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
