You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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