I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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