I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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