Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
