I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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