"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
