I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
