Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize