Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
