So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
