by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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