I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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