I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
