Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I need water and some morals
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
