At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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