Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My penis needs a shock collar
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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