I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
