How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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