I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
