If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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