Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize