I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
