At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
