I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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