ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
