Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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