Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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