i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
