You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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