I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
