While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I got inside last night via doggy door
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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