My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
