omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
