phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
