I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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