thus making me awesome and them whores
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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